Bored myself to sleep with Assassin's Creed (2016)

Assassin’s Creed (2016)

    Okay, so I have decided to start writing again. I am going to start small and work my way up.

As I do watch a lot of films and TV series, and play a silly amount of games, I thought to myself: “WRITE ON YOUR FUCKING BLOG!”

So here I am. Writing on my blog.

I am going to review every movie, every TV series, ever video game I play.

I warn you though. I start a lot of TV Series and a lot of games and rarely finish them. But maybe this will help, right?

So anyway… I am starting with what I watched today. Assassin’s Creed.

Every single second of this film is terrible.

The movie starts slow and boring, trying to make you feel for the character of… hang on… what was his name?

Carl? Cat? Cal?

We’ll just call him Fassbender.

The film starts with some big fight somewhere in the past with lots of death. Then it jumps to young Fassbender and he’s trying to jump across some gap on a bike. He fails. The only moment in the whole film that summoned any kind of emotional response from me. (I laughed).

Then *SPOILERS* his mum is dead. And I thought his dad was dead but *SPOILERS* he was captured and I guess has just been stood in a room with televisions on the ceiling for 30 years?

The director, Justin Kurzel, then decides to skip Fassbender’s entire back story and jumps straight to him in prison. We have no emotional connection to this guy other than he is a murderer about to undergo a death sentence.

*SPOIL- oh fuck it. Who cares?! Nothing happens in this film that anyone would remotely care about.

We get into the action quite quickly. Which baffles me considering it has a runtime of 2h 20m. They could have taken their time to build the characters, do some training and work up the anticipation for getting into the Animus. But NO!

The Animus…

I have so many problems with the Animus…

I would love to know who designed it. I wonder, had they ever played an Assassin’s Creed game? If they have played one, then what was the reason for them creating one of the worst fucking set pieces I have ever seen in a film?

This is where the film feels the messiest. Jumping between the past and the present so haphazardly during fight scenes left me feeling confused and nauseous. I had no idea who was fighting who and who had died. One minute we were watching Fassbender actually fighting someone and then within a second he was prancing around the Animus attached to some robotic arm.

The first half of the film had me slightly interested, and I had a little hope it could pick up in the final conflict.

Then the final conflict came and went.

There was nothing to it.

A few hundred soldiers running and screaming (Why the screaming?!) at four assassins and being obliterated.

Then the film ends with no danger, no conflict, just some pathetic excuse for a climax with Fassbender chatting to Marion Cotillard and she just stands there looking sad. Then he walks on stage (apparently there is no security backstage at the Templar head office) and stabs Jeremy Irons (Isle of Wight Massive Respect yo!) and then the film ends.

It just ends!

2 Hours and 20 minutes and the film just ends with nothing happening!

What a waste of my afternoon.

They are apparently making more of them as well.

Save us.